I have been having a rough time lately. Talking to friends I have realized a couple of reasons for my recent malaise. The first is hard to explain and is filled with contradictions, but then again, so am I. Many of my friends are married with children and I am happy for them. I am also happy to be aunt to many children. Except, I don't have that. I don't have a stable relationship, in fact I am currently single. I don't have children or even the prospect of children. I do not even currently have the opportunity to have a child. I don't even know if I want children, except I'd like to have that choice. I am really happy for my friends and their beautiful children, except I don't know what it is like to have a child and I don't know if I will ever know. That does make me sad and it is a hard emotion for me to grapple with.
Second emotion I have been trying to deal with is fear. I realized that I am having fun creating and working on Meandering Design, except, I also have a big pile of fear. Meandering Design is a representation of me. I am putting myself out there and while I love what I have been doing, I do not know if anyone else will. I think that I fear people will not want what I am creating and I started to let the fear paralyze me. Except, everyone I have shown the pieces to have given me a positive response. They are my friends, so maybe they are doing it to be nice. See there the self-doubt starts to creep in again. I am going to plow forward and not let fear paralyze me.
Second emotion I have been trying to deal with is fear. I realized that I am having fun creating and working on Meandering Design, except, I also have a big pile of fear. Meandering Design is a representation of me. I am putting myself out there and while I love what I have been doing, I do not know if anyone else will. I think that I fear people will not want what I am creating and I started to let the fear paralyze me. Except, everyone I have shown the pieces to have given me a positive response. They are my friends, so maybe they are doing it to be nice. See there the self-doubt starts to creep in again. I am going to plow forward and not let fear paralyze me.
2 comments:
Fear sucks. I know. I spend a lot of time with it, too.
Regarding wanting a child...now imagine me...I have wanted a child forever! Well, I wanted 5 children at one point..now I'd be happy with one. I don't know if I will ever feel "whole" without one. But I can't have one (I don't have the capability to give birth). I don't want to adopt, I want a blood heir. Oh, and it would have to be a boy because I am the last in line to be able to carry on the family name! :-/
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