Monday, June 04, 2007
Pieces
I was thinking this morning about how I hang on to people. I know I am very adverse to change and it can throw me in a tizzy. I hate it when people leave even when I know it is for a good thing. I am afraid to get rid of the boy because I think I believe he holds a piece of me- a certain knowledge of me that will be lost. I was with Kindis from the time I was 16 until I was 23 and not only are there certain memories that he holds, but he knows *that girl*. The one who was naieve and innocent and hopeful, while at the same time being beat down and afraid. For me *that girl* doesn't exist because she had to go to make room for someone a little less psychotic and clinging. Maybe that is why my English degree is so important to me because that has been the only constant. Books were always there and didn't shout back. I sometimes feel like there are pieces of me that have been scattered to the four winds and I won't ever get those pieces back. It makes it easier if I can believe *that girl* is with Kindis who is hopefully in a better place. What girl/woman am I afraid to let go of if (or I should say when) the boy leaves?
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2 comments:
I have thought this for a long time. That you wouldn't lose the boy for fear of losing the person the boy knows. Wouldn't it be nice if you could transfer the boy's knowledge into a new boy, so you wouldn't have to start all over again?
That's brilliant. Now tell me how to do it. Granted there are a couple of things I would rather have forgotten. Thankfully there aren't any pictures! Not *those* types of things, just, you know, things. Thanks for sharing.
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