Maybe I should phrase that and say I need to vamp myself up! I'm in between sizes right now and I have the old 22/24 clothes that are loose, which doesn't bother me too much, except for the sagging butt syndrome, and the 20's just fit. I think my body has shifted because the last time I was at my current weight I was a size 18. I also think that I lose five pounds on the scale, but it takes my body a week to sort of catch up and shift around. I have lost 20 pounds since July but I've only dropped a size. I am not trying to sound disparaging because I'm happy I've lost those 20 pounds and I hope they do not want to come back for a visit, but yeesh, I hope it doesn't take another 20 to move down to the next size. I constantly find myself kind of poking at myself because the planes of my body are shifting from uber soft to firm with a bunch of squishy parts in between. Those are the parts LK inevitably finds and gushes. I walk and brush my hand against my thigh because it has these corded muscles in it. While the weight loss is lovely it also feels good to be feeling stronger. In only a month at the gym my ability has completely shifted and I'm having to push myself a little harder. It helps that I have a really good gym buddy that pushes me too. Last night she made me put the incline on the treadmill up to 3 and then I managed to push it up to 4 for the last ten minutes.
There is a point to this! I was reading on another website about how we hold on to all of these bags of clothes. I just packed up my summer clothes which ranged from 20- 22/24 and some of them already didn't really fit, yet I packed them away. I think I am afraid to go through my closet and get rid of the clothes that are now too big for fear I will need them again. Ironically I am happy that I did not get rid of the clothes I bought when I was down to a 14/16 previously because those clothes are winking at me from storage. Especially the hot pink sassy shirt. I'm also really lucky because as my gym buddy lost weight she passed her clothes on to me and I have a whole new wardrobe waiting. The other weird thing is I don't know what to wear with what. I find myself reaching for the same outfits and pairing them together. I think I might need someone to come over and help me go through my closet and sort this nonsense out and to help me think of new ways to wear the clothes I have. I've decided to not buy any new clothes because I have enough clothes in my closet to see me through a couple of more sizes. I even have a pair of Lane Bryant pants I bought a couple of weeks ago and never worn that I am probably going to return somewhere down the road because I really don't need another pair of black pants in size 20. Maybe I'll wait until I am an 18 and go in and get a different pair or a new shirt. I do not typically return clothes and I'm usually confident in what I buy but this shopping trip just wasn't very satisfying. So if anyone wants to come over and go through my clothes and jewelry, purses and scarves let me know.
I am waiting for the weather to shift again so I can wear tights, boots and tweed skirts. There was one day last week and one day this week that it was possible and I want more days like that. It is still 75 degrees out, and I know I shouldn't be complaining but really I've got new tights to wear people.
I was talking to another woman at work who works in a cubicle that has some foot traffic that goes by it and she said that she hates eating in public because no matter what she eats she feels like she is getting judged because she is fat. I know kind of how she feels because I often feel like people are checking what I am eating and I don't know if that is true but I've got that feeling. I think maybe one of my food therapy goals will be to enjoy my food regardless of what other people think. I'm having a hard time coming up with those goals.
1 comment:
I definitely think you need to try enjoy whatever you are eating without feeling judged. This is akin to my feeling like people are always staring at my hair or clothes, the problem lies with ME, no matter if those people are really staring at me. It is difficult to remember, but honestly people are usually so far into thinking about themselves that they barely notice you are there.
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