First post of the new year

Happy New Year! I managed to not drunken text, dial, or email anybody. Good start to the new year. Now I have to go back to work. The holidays have been really hard. It was the first time in eight years that I had to spend them alone and I really had to work on reaching out to people to make sure I didn't slide down into the magical insanity tour. I think as long as no one gets married any time soon, then I have hit all of the major first time single events and I made it through alive. There was a moment last night when I thought that I just could not bear it, but I remembered that I had been through even rougher times and made it through. I just have to keep reminding myself that I will make it through this time as well.

It doesn't help that I just watched the movie Once, which is a gorgeous film and I highly recommend it, but it is a bit of a love story. It is kind of about a threesome since music plays such an outstanding role in the romance. It also made me miss the time I spent in DeKalb singing back up for my roommate who was a folk singer. I don't miss the drinking and the absolute mess my house was always in though. And all of the relationship craziness that was going on at the time. Really I just miss the singing and I can do that in the comfort of my own home.

I don't really have any new years resolutions, except to keep on trying to figure out dating and to let go of any relationships that are holding me back. I'm also going to keep going to the gym and having a healthy relationship with food. Heck, I just want healthy relationships all around. I'm going to need a little help and encouragement in this department because I am hitting the wall I always hit and can never quite break past. It is almost as if I start to see myself physically as a woman, as opposed to some amorphous blob, and then I panic. In the last ten years I've been this size three times and never been able to push past it and lose more weight. Kristi reminded me it is progress not perfection (yeah whatever), but it is hard because I feel this looming fear of failure, again. I know if I keep on with what I have been doing I will make it, but I have to not sabotage myself.