There are some days when I don't want to tell the truth, when I want to hide behind a facade and not put the bad out there. I'm learning though, partly through reading other blogs, and partly through what my blog has done for me, that it helps me. It is almost cathartic, those moments that reawaken and reinvigorate me, even if they are shameful and fill me with guilt. It is the guilt and the shame that make me try to hide and put myself forth as little miss perfect who never falls down. But I do, fall down that is, and I am lucky to have a support system that bolsters me back up. Sometimes it is a kind and gentle reminder, but occasionally it is a strong stinging slap (and usually I needed/deserved it). My father used to sing the song "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" by the Spin Doctors to me when I was in high school because I was such a know it all. I wrapped myself up in knowing as a form of protection. It was also a good way to keep people at bay.
If I hide things from viewing eyes here then I don't have to confront them myself. It was a mistake to drunkenly email ex-boy (who wisely chose to not respond), but if I did not admit that then I start traveling down a slippery path. If I don't tell you, then I don't take ownership for my mistakes and it makes it easier to do something else stupid in ex-relationship land.
It has also been helpful because I think items that I may not be comfortable opening up about are brought up by others because they read my blog. It helps to talk about what I've put out here and also to know that some of my neurosis are shared by you. Luckily you don't share all of them, but you give me insight and support that I really need right now.
I hope Ash doesn't mind but I had to share this little nugget of wisdom from her. "Also, as for ex-boy having a girl already moving in, what dumpster did he find her in? SERIOUSLY??? I mean, not trying to be rude but . . . c’mon. He must have met her down by the dock when the factories let out their 2nd shift." I feel better about myself already.
2 comments:
I was a little skeptical when you said you didn't drunk text or email anyone (but don't beat yourself up about it, it happens). Love Ash's comment as well! The ex-boy is totally co-dependent, he had to find someone to cook his meals.
Okay, so I've finally caught up with your blog & besides being rewarded from your wit, my final "LOL" (god I hate texting jargon) was provided by our smASHLEY...and no, I don't think she'd mind you sharing. It's true! Hey, if they don't work out I think I know someone I could hook her up with ;-)
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