self-doubt

It is amazing what a little self-doubt can do. I called Kristi the other night sobbing, I'm going to fa-(insert giant wail here)-il. I have a tendency to over-dramatize, and no comments from the peanut gallery on that one. I know I am smart and capable but I forget sometimes. Right now I can only do what I can do and if I make a mistake I just need to learn from it and go on. I may need to be reminded of that again! I was walking to work the next morning chanting Stuart Smiley affirmations in my head, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it people like me!

I am working on a report for work that has ended up in my lap. It was kind of like a hot potato and I unfortunately held on too long! I am definitely going to take a day next week to work from home because I've gotten more done in the last day without any panic attacks then all week at work. I'm also sipping on some cold tea liberally doused with honey (mmmm honey) because I keep trying to fight off something. I've already taken two full doses of oscilicoccinum (which is great fun to say by the way) and I'm still feeling blech.

After my nervous break down on Thursday I sat here with the computer for a bit and figured out why Microsoft Office would not work. The computer not working also prompted my breakdown. There is a file missing from the computer that Microsoft kept insisting that it needs. So, I copied the file from work and Friday night I directed the computer to it and voila now it all works. I've also managed to get rid of the "seriously fatal error" message that kept popping up and do a virus scan. It found another virus that I need to clean up. I have to say I felt like a bit of a rock star, because who knew I could add computer nerd to my resume.

I've had a very relaxing weekend at home, even with the working. LK has been ecstatic to see me and spent most of Saturday draped over my shoulders while I worked. I went to the gym today and did three sets of jog 1 1/2 minutes/walk 3 1/2 minutes. That is the most I have jogged ever. It felt pretty good. I managed to keep it up on the elliptical runner and pushed myself to go a bit faster. Gradually it gets easier. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would try to jog. I still need to buy new gym shoes because mine are embarrassingly old and dirty.

I am finally unstuck. Over the last month I gained and lost the same 5 pounds three times. Then one day the five pounds were gone and another five marched off with them. I think in there is some sort of lesson about perseverance...I did manage to not beat myself up about it too badly and if it happens again I know just to keep doing what I'm doing and it will all work out.