I have never been a glass half full type of girl. When life hands me lemons I tend to want to smash them, not make lemonade. Over the years my temperament has changed a bit. I've gradually adopted a somewhat sunnier disposition. I'm not a California sunny, more like a London sunny. Yes, I realize that is an oxymoron. I used to be mired in the muck of doom and gloom. Nowadays I'm relatively optimisitic and I'm trying to take advantage of this life I live. So, when I get mired down in emotions it takes me a bit longer to recognize it. My ambitions have fallen away. My lists have been languishing. My eating has been all over the place. Granted part of that is to blame on the Girl Scouts. Yes, the entire Girl Scouts of America is to blame for my current malaise.
Every year at this time I get knocked over. I no longer try to fight it, but I think sometimes I forget to pick myself back up. Monday was the anniversary of Kindis' death. It is kind of hard to forget the date when it is the day after Valentine's day. I tried to give myself some space to grieve, but it is still hard. It is amazing the things I remember. I can still remember how he smelled coming home after a day of working construction. I could smell the sunshine on him. He was always giving me books to read. He knew I did not like the notion of killing flowers just to give them as gifts and he would buy me flowering plants randomly. There were bad things too. A lot of bad things. As much as that boy built me up he tore me down. I do know that today he would be proud of me. I know that I have secret aspirations and I sometimes hear him whispering encouragement in my ear. I can still hear him singing a Lithuanian song to me as a lullaby when I couldn't sleep at night. Even writing this breaks my heart a bit.
I have a plant that Cora gave me that resides on the sunny sill of my bathroom. It is a tenacious little bugger and grows in fits and starts. I wish I had something more profound, but I'm just glad that plant keeps growing.
1 comment:
Hang in there Kandy, you are strong and always pull through whatever ups and downs you experience.
Can't believe a plant I gave you has still survived to this day, surely only testament to your amazing ability to cultivate and love it. I'm glad it keeps growing for you... reaching for the sun which will encourage optimistic thoughts
By the way the sun does shine in London - perhaps not as much as California, but more than the average Joe would think - so definitely nothing wrong with being a London sunny girl.
Can't wait for you to come and enjoy it in just a few weeks (provided it shows its face)!! :-)
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